Sunlight
by Lasher
Summary: Faith returns in late Season Six but this is a Buffy/Spike tale. So sorry updates were delayed due to laziness.
1. one

~Spoilers up to Entropy, mainly because I couldn't let Tara die or Willow go evil. This story picks up right before Tara and Willow get back together and Spike in the bathroom never happened. This story is an answer to the question I'd had, what if Faith had come back at the end of Season Six? I also give her a watcher, and a way to save the world. This story is all Spuffy with a little S/F in it for fun. Please enjoy!~  
  
  
  
  
  
Sunlight  
  
Part One  
  
Sunlight, free and clear, was warming her face for the first time in years. She looked up at the blue sky and almost smiled. She'd seen so many nights in her life but not much sunshine. This was different, she'd made promises and come hell or high water, she was gonna make it. The bag on her shoulder felt light, almost empty. It was, except for a couple of books she'd been turned on to and some clothes. There was nothing else worth taking, no pictures or letters, nothing at all. She was starting fresh and even her old style was gonna have to go.  
  
"So, your out, kid?" asked a guard holding open the door.  
  
She nodded thinking of the many times she'd wanted to put a fist into his smug face.  
  
"You must know somebody," he grunted.  
  
"Yeah, I guess." she whispered passing thru the door.  
  
The door slammed shut behind her, almost causing her to jump. She frowned at the vision before her. A sleek black limo pulled up to the curb and something told her it was just another prison. A tall man got out, his finely tailored suit made him look like a just another guard. Her hands were clenched into tight fists, ready for anything.  
  
He was attractive for a Brit and his clothes hid a pretty well built body but none of it appealed to her. If she looked at him with one eye closed, he was a little like Giles. But only younger, hotter and wearing clothes that looked like they were made within the last twenty years.  
  
"Come on, "he ordered," We have quite a drive ahead of us."  
  
"Listen, I know what I promised.. But I'm not sure about all this." She muttered.  
  
"Well, since your release is conditional you'd better be."he softened looking into her eyes, "Perhaps its best to go back to where it all started to go wrong, so that you can have real second chance."  
  
"Have you ever gone back to what I've done.I tried to destroy everybody who was ever nice to me. I just think it would be a lot easier to go to a place where I've got no history and I can start with a clean slate." She stated trying to win over his made up mind.  
  
"But we're needed there..we're both needed.," he said reassuring her.  
  
Staring down the empty road, she sighed.  
  
"You've been down that road." he said, "And it goes nowhere.. for you."  
  
She knew he was right, and no matter what she was going to follow him and try for once.  
  
He opened the car door gallantly and smiled.  
  
"Come on, Faith, let's go home."  
  
"Damn!," she muttered, as her tiny foot sunk into the squishy chest of an unidentified demon type.  
  
The demon screamed as it fell to the ground and went limp. She looked down upon it hoping that she'd killed it by removing most of its inside stuff. Reaching into the demons collapsed chest she removed her shoe with one hand. The once delicate shoe was now covered in stinky yellow bile and she shook it out harshly.  
  
"That's just great..note to self never wear cute new strapy heels when patrolling."  
  
She walked away from the dissolving demon, brushing off her coat and avoiding her stinky shoe.  
  
Patrolling had been slow, vampires and demons seemed to stay in on Thursday night lately. She wasn't sure if it was due to instinct or the need to stay home and watch Friends. The cemetery appeared empty of undead or demons but she knew at least one crypt in it where a vampire was watching stolen cable.  
  
She could sense him, her body betraying her would come alive when he came near. It was a pure physical sensation that took over her mind and drew her to him. His body, it looked like a statue, cold beautiful and unyielding. She'd dug her nails into him so often to destroy its beauty, and feel him shutter or scream. Their bodies seemed so perfectly in tune and in his arms she'd lose all sense of the reality of life. Closing her eyes she could feel his touch on her neck, whispering to her and drawing her to him. But she had to push the image of him out of her mind and find some other peace. But he was always lurking somewhere in the back of her mind, tempting her to take the road of mindless pleasure.  
  
He'd become so sullen lately, not even stopping to speak to her when he was near. At first, she'd thought it a blessing to be out of his path of stalking but to suddenly be nothing was worse. She'd tried to discover if he was hatching some evil plan or found yet another to take her place, but there was nothing. If he was truly moping then he would avoid everyone not just her but he wasn't avoiding anyone but her. She'd lost his constant annoying presence and when she needed someone just to talk to he wasn't available anymore. And she missed him, a little. But her friends saw him regularly; he made a point of stopping by to see Dawn and Willow whenever she was on patrol. Even Xander had mentioned seeing him around but the tension was always bad between them and they avoided each other for the most part. His anger toward Spike could barely be contained and he watched her every move to make sure that she kept her distance.  
  
No one had addressed their sudden falling out, as if it were normal to stop speaking to someone who'd become such apart of your life. Or maybe it was just easier not to ask the questions of her; afraid they'd hear her true feelings. It was easier to be avoidy and just go on with each new battle not see him fighting by her side, she could feel the loss of him. She breathed in deeply and walked path away from his crypt and exited the cemetery.  
  
"Goodnight, William," she whispered.  
  
"So, what kind of demon was it?" Willow asked from behind her laptop.  
  
"Not sure, do they have a listing for yellow bile filled demons who smells like cornuts?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Hmm.not so far, I've checked all my sources, except for..well, never mind." She looked away.  
  
"Who? Anya?. I don't think , she's really." Buffy frowned.  
  
"No, no, no Anya..I was thinking about Spike, not about Spike and Anya..but, he's kind of helpful..sometimes." She swallowed hard trying to gauge her reaction.  
  
"Yeah, sure, I guess..whatever," she replied not very skillfully.  
  
"Listen, Buffy, about Spike, whatever is going on between you two-"  
  
"Nothing is going on, I swear. He's evil, right? So, he does evil stuff and that's it."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that's clear. All I know is that we're all going thru bad stuff right now and none of us is really talking about it. We use to talk about stuff and we'd help each other. Tara and I are trying again and I just want to be you know happy ..." She trailed off looking away.  
  
"Wil, it's alright, I'm sorry, that's all I ever do is say I'm sorry to you and Dawn. Can we just not talk about.him and I'll try the happy, please."  
  
Willow studied Buffy's face, not sure if she could continue saying the things they never talked about. It was easier to just not say anything. She began to gather up her laptop and get up.  
  
"Your going?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Well, yeah, your going to patrol, right?"  
  
"I was just thinking of staying home catching up on some TV viewing and quality time with Dawny."  
  
Willow frowned, "So, you'll be home doing that?"  
  
"Sure, why?" She looked confused.  
  
"Oh, it's just that.Dawn asked Spike to come over to watch video's, eat popcorn and gin."  
  
"Drinking gin-whoa-she's only-"  
  
"Playing gin," Willow explained. "And I was gonna pick his brain for some info on this demon. And of course we'll have some great discussion about this book I lent him. It's kind of neat to see things thru the eyes of a guy who's been not alive over a hundred years."  
  
"Oh, well, sure.I can patrol, I'm cool with that. I'll just go kill things while you guys spend some quality time with the evil undead."  
  
"Great!" She said happily, "You have fun and I'll see you---"  
  
"Wil, does he ever talk about me?" She asked almost ashamed.  
  
"He does.not much, he just kind of talks about you, it's almost like you're the one thing that could get him.upset. He doesn't ask about you, but he always knows what's going on, I think he keeps an eye on you, sometimes." Willows words felt like small daggers to her.  
  
"Oh, that's okay, have fun tonight. I think I'll just drop by the Magic Box and do some research." Her happy upbeat words were a lie to herself.  
  
"Magic Box? Just.be careful, okay?" Willow cried exiting the Espresso Pump.  
  
Buffy finished her iced mocha and stared at the setting sun. She thought of Spike and how he liked to nap just before the sunset. She'd watch his face when she was sure he wasn't looking and trace it lightly with her finger. She'd lay against him warming his cold skin and close her eyes. For a moment before she woke each morning she'd think she could feel him against her holding her while they slept.  
  
He was her only comfort and now he was gone.  
  
The doors of the Magic Box were locked when Buffy arrived. Somewhere at home she had the key that Giles gave her, just in case, but she'd forgotten it. With a swift move she forced the back door open. The shop had lost it's library appeal feel when Giles left but it was still a place to be alone and safe. She piled the books on the table, separating them into interesting forms and towers. It was somehow easier to deal with lots of books when they looked like a house of cards.  
  
She opened each with a yearning to just find the demon and go home. But it was still early and her patrol had been non-kill-y, she didn't want to go and find that Spike had slipped out the back before she could reach the front door.  
  
She laid her head down on the open book, it was cool and soft like his chest and she closed her eyes.  
  
  
  
Dawn smiled at Spike as he announced that he'd won another hand of cards.  
  
"Well, there goes my allowance." She said watching him count his winnings.  
  
"Oh, come on bit, one more hand.." He offered.  
  
"Yes, one more hand Spike and this time don't cheat," Willow threatened from the couch.  
  
"Natural talent is not cheating, Red. Now come on, put my video pick in the machine." He asked.  
  
Willow crossed the room to the VCR, "I think your gonna need to expand your knowledge of movies. I mean, is Sid and Nancy meant to be seen this many times?"  
  
"I believe that was my compromise video, remember? I was happy with a Clockwork Orange."  
  
"Oh yes, so when's the next game of kitten poker?" Willow asked.  
  
"Tomorrow, I guess, Clem and the boys are trying to persuade me to use the crypt to hold the game. But I don't think it sets the proper mood."  
  
"Yes, having a poker game in a crypt.how creepy." Dawn commented sitting down next to Willow on the couch.  
  
"So when the boys are there, can you ask about Buffy's demon?"  
  
"Sure, okay." He said lowly.  
  
Dawn stared at him, "So, are we gonna talk about why Spikes only around when Buffy goes on patrol."  
  
Willow frowned, "No, of course not, unless you want to Spike, of course."  
  
"Let's see, no I don't think we will talk about it. I'm just respecting Big Sis's wishes cause we're on the outs-that's it."  
  
"It's not because of what you did?" Dawn asked.  
  
The words seem to strike him like a blow and his carefree attitude was gone. Perhaps there were some words he could have said to explain their rift. But somehow it didn't seem right.  
  
He didn't answer, his face told the whole story. He picked up his jacket and tucked two books in the pocket, and headed for the door.  
  
"I've got to go pet, be good. Red, I'll see you soon, thanks for the books." He walked out without another word.  
  
"Sorry, Dawny." Willow said, "I guess they'll figure it out on their own."  
  
"Or not."  
  
  
  
Her eyes opened slowly, he smiled at her, his brilliant blue eyes so bright.  
  
"Oh, William," she whispered.  
  
"It's time to wake up, love." He said sitting next to her, stroking her hair.  
  
"I'm so tired of fighting, of pretending.."  
  
"There's no need, I know, it's alright. The future is coming and it's time to greet it."  
  
"But I haven't told you.. I haven't said what's.."  
  
He drew her into his arms, "But you have, and somewhere it's been heard."  
  
She heard a loud knock behind her.  
  
She stood up fully awake before her eyes opened. Something, an alarm inside of her sensed danger and urged her to be ready to fight. What she sensed was not a vampire or demon but something almost familiar but it still scary.  
  
The knock on the door became persistent and she approached it carefully. She looked out the window and saw two figures outside the door. Behind them parked on the street was a limo, looking strangely out of place for Sunnydale.  
  
"Hello?" Said a distinctly male British voice. "Miss Summers.. I'd like to have a word with you, if that's possible. Listen, I've traveled quite a ways today and I'd just like to talk. I'm from the Council, they've asked me to have a word."  
  
She opened the door carefully, " I've heard that one before."  
  
Her instincts told her that he was probably telling the truth. His appearance was a little fashionable for the stuffy Council but something about him reminded her of Giles. He was also a little too cute to be apart of the Council.  
  
"Buffy, I can assure you that I am the real thing, I can provide you with references."  
  
"Come in." She offered still unsure of the figure behind him.  
  
He brushed past her, quickly, motioning to the figure still outside.  
  
The figure looked up suddenly at Buffy and smiled at her.  
  
"Hello, B, it's nice to be home." Faith said still waiting outside.  
  
"What the hell?" Buffy stammered.  
  
"Buffy, my name is Derrick Hunter, I'm a Watcher---" He explained.  
  
"I don't care what you are, if you're here----"  
  
"B.It's okay, I've been released from the big house. Derrick is my Watcher, we just came to talk."  
  
Buffy looked at her closely and decided to let her in. She looked older, more tired and somehow more stable. The once crazy look was gone and she looked well, defeated.  
  
"I've been released from the Big House into Derrick's custody, I'm sorry we just came here like nothing happened."  
  
Buffy motioned her in. "You've got two minutes and I'm leaving the door open."  
  
"Buffy, I was hoping that Mr. Giles might have mentioned me to you. I've always considered him my mentor." Derrick stated looking around the shop his eyes wide with the whole scene.  
  
"No, I've never heard of you and your time is ticking."  
  
"I've brought Faith home to train her and help her on her path." He said sitting down at the table.  
  
"Sunnydale isn't Faith's home, she left it a long time ago. If your trying to help her, that's great, it's your own funeral. I can't tell you where to live. So, just stay out of my way. Don't ever come near me or anyone I care about and we'll be fine." She stated still holding the door open.  
  
"B..Buffy, I'm on a conditional release and if I screw up just a little, it's back to the Big House. So, I have to make it work."  
  
"Great, sorry if I'm not all hugs and kisses at you being back. I can really understand you wanting to get your life together but not here."  
  
"She has no choice." Derrick offered. "The Council arranged to have her to released to me. I've bought a home here in Sunnydale. I think it's important to stay close to the Hellmouth. And I know Mr. Giles is in England and I could help---"  
  
"Don't even suggest that I need a Watcher----"  
  
"No, of course not, but ..I can see your doing research, can I offer my assistance?"  
  
She frowned. "No, I've got it under control."  
  
"I do have extensive knowledge of vampires, demons and dimensions. I can help."  
  
"Sure, I bet you know every yellow bile filled demon that smells like cornuts."  
  
"Actually," He picked up a book on the table. "I think it might be a Wilphreno demon. They have very quick tempers, fairly strong and they hunt and live alone. So I doubt you'll see another soon.Here's a picture."  
  
She closed the door and walked over to him. "That's him, lucky guess."  
  
"I've trained all my life to be a Watcher, it's not a fluke. Unlike Rupert or Wesley I was trained to deal with the modern age. I'm not afraid to fight or do what has to be done."  
  
"So whatever, look I've done okay without any help. So, if you're here to just----"  
  
"No, it's just a courtesy call."  
  
"Well, that's very British of you. Thanks for the courtesy, you can go now."  
  
"Yes, well alright. I'm here to help, if you need someone." He said rising up to leave.  
  
Buffy looked at Faith, trying to study her to size up her threat. Faith looked back for a moment and then looked away.  
  
"I am sorry, B, I did horrible things to about everyone you love or whatever, I'm learning and I'm really sorry."  
  
"Look, I can understand what you mean and I hope you get better. We've all done things that we shouldn't have or that we regret, even me. So, just because I get you doesn't mean I trust you, so just don't do anything that will make me come after you. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go home." Buffy crossed over to the door and opened it.  
  
"Can we give you a lift?" He offered crossing over to the door.  
  
Her first impulse said no, but something about him didn't seem bad and curiosity had been peaked by them both. She accepted. She got into the posh limo; it was almost cozy with three people in it. Faith came alive asking questions and relishing her freedom.  
  
"So, tell me what's the 411 on everybody?" She asked.  
  
Derrick was seated between them, perhaps not yet convinced that the slayers alright with each other.  
  
"Like your Mom? Derrick, you'll love Buffy's mom she's the greatest, I just hope she'll still talk to me."  
  
"My mom died Faith, last year. It was really sudden." She answered.  
  
"Okay.I'm so sorry..I liked her a lot. Let's see if I can do better, how are Willow and Xander?"  
  
"Well, alright I guess."  
  
"The last time I saw Willow she was with a girl, looking all in love. Red's a nice girl, I hope it works out for her. And what about Xander, dating Anya still? They seemed pretty crazy about each other."  
  
"A lot has happened to both of them, none of it was easy."  
  
Faith studied the pain in Buffy's face and understood.  
  
"Okay, I'm so not batting a thousand. Angel? Still brooding in L.A.?"  
  
"I guess, we don't really talk much."  
  
"Oh, well that's good cause let's face it a happy Angel is pretty scary for the rest of the world. No matter how sexy it would be." She sighed.  
  
Buffy was wondering suddenly if being in the same zip code with new Faith was wise.  
  
"Well, B," she continued. "Things still cool with Riley? He's a nice normal guy, I thought."  
  
"Riley's married. He and his wife came by recently to hunt a demon, they're very happy living the army life."  
  
"I guess I didn't help with that one." She sulked.  
  
"I've heard Buffy that you've added another vampire to your group of intimates?" Derrick inquired trying to change the subject to one less painful, he thought.  
  
"Huh?" She asked.  
  
"Spike, I believe his name is, Giles wrote about him. I think he had great hopes for him to become sort of hero demon fighter. And of course I've read in the Watcher diaries about him, such a great history for such a young vampire. I would say that some of our younger female Watchers have become quite intrigued with him. He's quite the poster boy."  
  
She laughed. "No, he's not exactly a hero, he's evil and worst of all he thinks he knows everything. And he's become a moody sullen vampire, lurking in his crypt probably doing nasty things. Trust me if any of those girls met him, they'd see he's just a selfish, lazy, pain in the butt. But I don't really care about him, cause we don't talk and he's evil. So just don't ask me anything more about him, alright?"  
  
Derrick watched her carefully as she spoke, unsure of what to make of her awkward verbal display. He knew of course that there was something there between them.  
  
Faith also noticed her display but instead it reminded her of Spike. She could still remember his tall hungry looks and their exchange the last time they met. He was the real thing, evil, tempting and hard. He reminded her of all the loser types she'd given herself to when she was younger. She always thought it must be such a thrill to fight evil one minute and then bed it in another. Her lips curled into a small smile.  
  
The house appeared so normal on the outside as if nothing bad could happen there on such a quiet pretty street. She opened the door slowly not sure if a vampire was sneaking out the back. Dawn and Willow were asleep on the couch watching a movie that was now over and showing its credits.  
  
Buffy touched Dawn's hair, she stirred and woke immediately.  
  
"Your home, good." She said sleepily.  
  
"You should go to bed, what were you guys watching?"  
  
"Sid and Nancy, it was Spike's turn to choose the movie, I've got to turn him onto more movies and some comedies that aren't Monty Python."  
  
Buffy nodded. Dawn studied her carefully; she'd seen that look before and on other people.  
  
"Is that look about Spike? He got the same look when I mentioned your name and he walked out. So don't do that, okay? It's alright you can tell me."  
  
"No, no, this has nothing to do with Spike, I swear."  
  
"I know what he did was wrong but aren't you ever gonna talk to him again?"  
  
"I so don't want to talk about this right now."  
  
"I just don't get it. Your sad and Spike's sad. Xander's sad and Anya's sad."  
  
"I get it we're all the sad society and I'm sorry Dawny."  
  
"It's just that nobody wants to talk about it."  
  
"We're all trying to deal with things in our own way and it just takes time. I hope."  
  
"Dealing with it means you don't talk to Spike, Xander likes to drink until he passes out, and Anya's nowhere. Sorry but if this is what growing up is, I think I'll skip this part."  
  
"Me, too. I wish I had a better answer to all of this but I don't. I have something to tell you and you'll be happy to know that you're the first one to know."  
  
"Cool, and I want you to know that I'm growing into a mature woman, so I can be trusted to handle the big stuff."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Faith is back in town, she's out of prison and she's with her Watcher, Derrick. I saw them at the Magic Box tonight."  
  
"Talk about a nightmare walking in out of nowhere, are you alright?"  
  
"I'm fine, but I want you to be careful, okay? That means you come straight home after school and you won't be left home alone ever. And if you see Faith, I want you to run the other way, I don't know about her yet."  
  
"Is she crazy mad slayer still?" Dawn asked the fear creeping into her voice.  
  
"I don't know and until I do just stay clear of her, alright?"  
  
"I promise to avoid the possibly crazy slayer."  
  
Dawn frowned thinking of Faith, she had plenty of memories of the slightly bent slayer. She also knew that the memories were all constructed for her benefit but they felt so real. For the most part she and Faith had gotten along because she was a slayer like Buffy and because she acted nothing like Buffy. But she could remember the fear in her mother's face each time Faith's name was mentioned.  
  
"I also found out about the demon from last night, Derrick figured it out actually. I still don't know what to think about the new Watcher, he's different from Giles or Wesley. Except for the British part, of course but he doesn't wear tweed and he has a limo and driver."  
  
Dawn smiled. "A Watcher with money? Is he as old as Giles?"  
  
"No, he's younger, I think late twenties or very early thirties and not the ugliest guy I've ever seen. But who knows, I've only met a few Watchers and they're all pretty anal."  
  
"It'll be nice to have another Giles around to take the pressure off."  
  
"Oh, I don't think he's gonna be a Scoobie or anything. Anyway nobody is gonna replace Giles. So, did you have fun tonight?"  
  
"Oh, yes, lots of fun for all. Spike cheated at gin, no surprise there and Willow and I got to watch the movie alone after we mentioned your name, all in all some progress. And speaking of progress, I've got a birthday coming up soon."  
  
"So tell me my dear what does your little heart desire?"  
  
"I want a birthday party with lots of presents, music and even more presents. I also want to invite all my friends and your friends. So that means I want Spike and Clem there, do you think you could handle that?"  
  
She smiled. "I think that for you I could do it. I'll even promise to speak to Spike at least once in the course of the evening. But I don't know about Xander or Anya."  
  
"See what I mean? I just wish---"  
  
"Don't you dare, the last time you did that it was almost Buffy's birthday forever and ever."  
  
"Don't worry, she is not on the guest list even if she is Anya's best friend. But if I did have that wish back, first I'd want all the feuding couples to talk and get back together. Second, I'd want them to be happy for a very long time. And for my last wish, I'd like to be sent to Paris for a year with no rules or chaperone."  
  
"Keep dreaming, sister, you're more likely to get a new sweater from me then any of those wishes."  
  
Dawn looked at the sleeping Willow and smiled. "I guess that Willow is the only one on the road to happy, she's working out things with Tara and working hard on the non-magic."  
  
"Yeah, she's trying really hard. That's why I don't want to push her; she needs to just be for a while."  
  
Willow woke up and they decided to go to bed. Buffy broke the news about Faith softly careful not to upset her. She would tell Xander the next time he came by and wondered if there was any point in telling Spike or Anya. Calling Giles was her first priority after a good night's sleep.  
  
She drew back the clean white sheets of her bed but she couldn't get in yet. The bright light from the street filled her bedroom and she went to the window to close the blind.  
  
She looked down at the tree in front of her home and saw a familiar shadow there. She couldn't help but smile. The thought of him didn't fill her with temptation or danger instead she felt relieved that there was someone out there who cared for her. And knowing that she hadn't even cared enough about him to stop using him hurt deepest of all. She turned back to her bed and sleep fell upon her almost immediately with dreams of his kisses.  
  
"Structure, Faith, that is what is needed here. I'm not saying I plan on monitoring your every moment, but we will work on curbing your impulses that have caused pain in the past." Derrick commented.  
  
She looked at him closely; he was a Watcher after all, even if he looked more like a pop star. But before she was released she was given a pretty good idea of what life was gonna be like post-prison. In exchange for her getting out, she'd have to see a shrink at least three times a week. She'd also be training every day not just to fight but also to learn how to channel her anger. She was would be taught to relax, relate and release.  
  
"So, what do you think of your new home? Posh, I think." He said looking proudly at their surroundings.  
  
For a mansion it wasn't bad, when they drove up last night she could barely believe it. From the outside you couldn't tell if was a mansion or a nuthouse. But once inside she saw the creature comforts of home mixed in with lots of ancient weapons and lots of guy stuff. Derrick had proudly told her that he'd brought some of his favorite stuff from his country home in England. She didn't understand the fascination with old stuff when the new stuff seemed pretty cool.  
  
"It's nice for a palace, Derrick, so you got a lot of money or what?"  
  
"I'm comfortable. And lets say that Sunnydale's housing market is pretty weak and I got this place for a song. When would you prefer to train, morning or night?"  
  
"Mornings, I guess. Since I won't be sampling the nightlife any time soon, I guess, I'll be up early. This shrink I'm going to see, what's his deal?"  
  
"Well, he is a she, to start. The Council has hired her and you can tell her anything. I believe her father was a Watcher so she's well aware of the demon world. She'll monitor your progress and report directly to the Council. She wants you to succeed like I do, Faith and with our combined efforts we can do it."  
  
"So, I'll train, hug my inner child and what? Do nothing? Hang out here with you?"  
  
"No, you will patrol so that I can determine your strengths and weaknesses. But if I feel that your patrolling to merely take out your anger or hatred on others, then we'll stop. If slaying is your true calling, it isn't about you, it's about helping others. You'll study demons and their dimensions----"  
  
"Hey, I'm no bookworm, point me in the direction of a demon and I'll kill it."  
  
"Well, I'm afraid that's been part of the problem, demons are complicated creatures and they must respected and understood. If I direct you to kill a creature simply because I tell you to you'll never recognize the difference between good and evil. Life isn't labeled and you have to be able to identify them for yourself. And I don't expect you to live in books; I think technology can help us. I also have a large library of videos of many demons and their habits, culture and fighting abilities. I think you'll find that not all demons are evil and can be useful to obtain information or help you when your goals are the same."  
  
"But I still have to study right?" She asked knowing full well it wasn't going to be fun or easy.  
  
"Yes, Faith, you'll have to study, only by studying history can we hope to avoid making it's mistakes. We do have a goal however."  
  
She frowned. The goal was something she'd been told about before being released. And it was the only thing she was almost afraid of. But it was also the only ray of hope in her life.  
  
"So, do I have some free time ever? I mean this place is pretty big but four walls still freak me out. I like to walk around maybe outside during the day." She asked.  
  
"I think that would be a good idea. But as your Watcher I must warn you not to do anything that will jeopardize the goal in front of us. And it might be prudent to stay away from any area that Buffy and her friends might frequent. Will that be a problem?"  
  
"No, I wasn't into the same stuff as Buffy any way. I don't think that her friends will be in the same dives. When do we patrol?"  
  
"Is tonight soon enough? Good. It's not as if you or I have much of a choice in the matter. You have an appointment with Dr. Guest, the car will be waiting and that is not an option. But afterwards I'd like you to take a few hours to yourself, but dinner is at five. Do not be late." He asked.  
  
She nodded. He was all right; when he told her to do something it was more like asking her. He was serious though; as much as he needed her if she screwed up he'd throw her to the wolves. And that was okay; at least with him she always knew where she stood.  
  
She was looking forward to patrolling, to have a purpose beyond staring at four walls and wondering how your life got so messed up. But she was afraid of turning into a numb thing again. It didn't happen over night, at first the kill was a rush, the best high ever. But after a while, it was hard and it made her angry to have to kill. And then the numbness set in, even before she killed the Deputy Mayor, she couldn't feel anymore. Pain became the only thing left, to destroy and hurt everyone and everything. And that's when she started to lose it. She started to feel when she was in L.A. with Angel; he always seemed able to connect to her. In a way he saved her life and she would always be grateful to him for that.  
  
Now she'd have to do it alone. 


	2. Two

~~Disclaimer- Nothing belongs to me, its borrowed and teased with..  
  
  
  
~~Feedback is lovely.  
  
  
  
~~FYI- This story was started way before Season Seven, and it starts before everything goes wrong in Season Six.  
  
  
  
  
  
PART TWO  
  
  
  
It may come, it may come as some surprise but I miss you  
  
I could see through all of your lies and still I miss you..Sade  
  
"I just wanted to call to let you know that Faith is back in town. .." Buffy felt awkward saying the words to Xander.  
  
For a moment she wasn't sure if he had even heard her, he just didn't react to her words. He had always been snappy-comeback-boy and now he was sometimes mute guy.  
  
"Xander, nod if you hear me and if you don't.well, don't."  
  
He nodded very slowly and finally looked in her general direction. He looked completely lost like someone who was watching a movie in another state.  
  
"So, Faith is back, that's great. I guess we should get weapons and go kill her?" He stated matter of factly.  
  
"Well, let's not do that until we're sure she's a danger to herself and others."  
  
"Oh, sure, let's wait until she hurts one of us and tries to kill us. Yeah, let's do that. Because we all know that only after death is inflicted, that any of us notice the killer in our house. I've got something to do-at work and I'm gonna go. Tell Dawn I'll call her sometime and we'll catch a movie." He said heading for the door.  
  
"Have you heard from Anya?" She asked almost fearfully.  
  
"I don't, I can't talk about that, right now. Alright?" He stopped the doorknob in his hand.  
  
"But maybe if you did-"  
  
"Okay, I will if you will. Tell me about being without Spike, how you miss your blonde sex toy. And then when you're done I'll talk about her. I'll tell you about how I loved her and I lost her. Maybe you can compare that to your loss of Spike. I've lost the only woman I've ever really loved and you lost what?" He cried, his anger violent and bitter.  
  
The tears welled in her eyes and she wanted to hit him. "Not talking is good."  
  
The door slammed behind him and she sat down on the ground near the door. His words stung her making her feel like she couldn't defend herself. He wanted her to say something compare their pain or just tell him that his was worse. And down deep she knew his pain was deeper and more profound. But it didn't help and she couldn't share her feelings with anyone. She wasn't allowed to tell anyone what she felt, Willow and Xander had their pain but she couldn't. Everyday she had to be Buffy the strong, but no one was strong for her. They were all so damaged trying to hold onto pain and lost loves. She hid her pain day after day, she couldn't even mourn him or miss him. Whatever she felt it didn't matter to anyone.  
  
The cool darkness surrounded her; the sounds and smells of the sewers were a comfort. She could explore this world and make it her own. Here in the dark she could just be and if danger crossed her path she could defeat it. She moved down each tunnel occasionally hitting a patch of sunlight and listening to the sounds from the streets. She just felt safe hiding in the darkness, it was it's own world.  
  
She stopped suddenly sensing a presence in the sewer ahead of her. She approached it, there was a light up ahead from some sort of room. She reached the light and entered the room. Her feet almost stumbled on the thick layers of carpet and realized that she was in some crypt or lair. There were coffins strewn around with it's long dead contents still inside and on the walls were chains. But the other contents looked as if they'd been replaced after a fire or explosion. The large bed was still scarred with fire but on top of it she saw the presence sleeping. Empty bottles of liquor surrounded the bed and the presence looked passed out.  
  
She approached the bed slowly, peering down her foot then hit something. She picked it up from the ground and looked at it, it was a small delicate cross-made of gold. It appeared new but completely out of place.  
  
"What the.." The presence awoke and grabbed the necklace out of her hand.  
  
Their eyes locked, his bright blue and full of pain and hers dark and quick. He held her by the wrist, not sure if he knew her or not. She pulled free, showing her amazing strength and then he seemed to understand her.  
  
A deep laugh escaped him and he got up slowly keeping her in his cite.  
  
"I should have known, another bloody slayer, what do you want? Faith isn't it?"  
  
Her mouth was suddenly dry. "Yeah, your Spike, we've met before."  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
She almost blushed and smiled. "I borrowed Buffy's body a while back and we talked."  
  
He stared at her, his look told her he wasn't convinced.  
  
"I told you that I could ride you at a gallop and leave you begging for more, or something like that."  
  
His eyes became wide, "That was you? I thought, well, that I had caught Buffy on a good night."  
  
"Come on, B would never say a thing like that. She's too up tight for any dirty nasty fun."  
  
He laughed. "Oh, you think so? She's got the face of an angel but she's not."  
  
"Come on, Buffy the good, I doubt she's ever crossed the street without looking both ways. Such a square girl, she's always fighting evil and dating some cute co-ed. She couldn't even do a little breaking and entering without feeling all guilty about it."  
  
"Let's just say that she's a little older and wiser now."  
  
She looked around, "So, who did the torch job on this place?"  
  
"Well, Buffy was a little angry and she just, never mind."  
  
"So, Buffy redecorated your place? I've seen her work before, I would have expected a lot of pink and stuffed animals. But this works too."  
  
He couldn't help but smile at her, making him laugh lately was quite a chore.  
  
"Tell me, Faith, what are you doing in my crypt?"  
  
"I was in the sewers, nice way to avoid, well, people and I saw the light. I didn't see a door or I would have knocked."  
  
"Next time see that you do. Can I offer you a drink? I think there's a full bottle somewhere."  
  
"No, I've got to patrol tonight. What's with the drinking?"  
  
"It's my way to mend a broken heart, it's not effective but if you drink enough you can pass out. And if your really lucky, you don't dream about what you've lost."  
  
"Okay, so your kinda sullen like she said."  
  
"Like who said? Buffy? I didn't realize she even knew my name anymore."  
  
"Yeah, and she got all strange."  
  
"Really?" He smiled for a moment and then his face darkened.  
  
"So, are you and Buffy close?"  
  
"Not now, but once, we were close, I guess. And what about you?"  
  
"No, I think B would like it if I just disappeared, wouldn't that be nice?"  
  
"Nice? Being invisible just makes you think you can do anything and not get caught. Silly pranks and seducing innocent people, it's not all fun let me tell you. I still don't know how she found her invisible clothes."  
  
She looked confused but decided to ignore the comment. "What do you do all day?"  
  
He shrugged, "I read, watch my soaps, sometimes friends drop by and of course I drink."  
  
"Sounds like a rocking good time, have you ever considered going out?"  
  
"Where? The Bronze? Xander's hideaway, and we're not exactly chums."  
  
"Yes, the original three-minute man, so you just kick it here all day and night?"  
  
"Well, there's always poker with the guys, like tonight. Your welcome to join us, but we have a strict no killing demons policy."  
  
"Hey, if they've got cash, I don't care what kind of demon they are."  
  
"We play for kittens, actually, cash isn't what it use to be."  
  
"You can count on me, I'll be there."  
  
"We start late, so drop by, the game is upstairs by the way."  
  
"I've gotta go, stuff to kill tonight."  
  
She strolled out just as quickly as she walked in, another slayer in his midst. She was very different from Buffy, a true dark soul. She reminded of him of his lovely Drucilla, her raven hair and stunning looks. But in temperament they were nothing alike, Dru was dreamy while Faith seemed rooted in life. Neither lady held any true interest for him, he dreamed of the one with golden hair. He ached for her like he had once craved blood. He wanted to get lost in that hair once more and feel her body rise next to his. The memory of her almost cursed him and he grabbed at a bottle nearby. It was empty and he laughed. He threw it against the wall.  
  
  
  
Buffy waited in the dark for Dawn to arrive home, she tried not to let every nightmare of Dawn aloneness play out in her head. She'd sat for so long after Xander left trying to just stop wanting and waiting for someone she had no right to even think about. After all the things Spike had done it should have been happy-simple to forget him. But there he was around every turn in her mind or near her home. He seemed to get along with her friends, her sister and most demons but they couldn't even be in the same room together. At first she had wanted to be angry at him to claim that all his love talk had been lust talk but she wasn't really sure she had the right. Whatever she felt for him she knew that anger wasn't going to help.  
  
There was a gentle knock on the door, waking her out of her funk. She answered it hoping it wasn't the police with Dawn in tow.  
  
"Hello, Buffy," greeted a smiling Derrick.  
  
"I thought we decided I didn't need any help."  
  
"I didn't come to offer my help, I came to speak to you on another matter."  
  
"Well, I suppose if it's not Faith related I can listen." She said showing him into the living room.  
  
"I didn't say it wasn't related to Faith, it's actually about patrolling. I'm not sure when you prefer to patrol but I'd like to set up some sort of schedule or area of coverage so that you can avoid Faith. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?"  
  
"I guess, but I'm not sure that I'd want Faith out there, alone."  
  
"She will not be alone, I am her Watcher and until I'm sure that she's on the right path she won't be going anywhere alone on patrol. If you wish I can fill you in on the details of our patrolling if we come across any demons or areas of interest to you." He said trying to gauge her reaction.  
  
"Yeah, well, if your gonna be there, I guess it'll be alright. You can handle her I suppose?"  
  
"Yes, I can, I don't have the slayer strength but I've trained extensively and if worse comes to worse, I can take her out."  
  
"Good because it just might come to that. Listen, I'm going to work tonight and I usually patrol on my way home. Tonight I'll skip it and you can have Sunnydale to yourself. I'm not working on Friday, it's Dawn's birthday and I'm having a party so your free to keep the streets safe. It's been pretty slow lately."  
  
"Your working? You're the slayer, that is your job, what do you do?"  
  
"Well, until I can figure out a way to charge the good people of Sunnydale for each vamp I stake, I sling burgers at the Doublemeat Palace. It's not glamorous but I have to pay the bills."  
  
"I see, well, thank you for allowing us to patrol. And in future, please, if you need anything don't hesitate to call me."  
  
The door opened suddenly and Dawn walked in, "Bye Janice, tell your mom, thanks."  
  
"Dawn, where were you?" Buffy asked trying not to freak out in front of Derrick.  
  
"I told you this morning, Janice and her mom were taking me to the mall for my birthday. It's a couple of days early but Janice is going out of town on Friday when I'm hopefully having a party. So who's this?"  
  
"Hello, Dawn, my name is Derrick, I'm Faith's Watcher." He held out his hand and she shook it.  
  
"You're a Watcher? When did they start making them so cute, where's the tweed and dopey glasses?"  
  
He laughed. "Well, believe it or not some Watchers were born with out the geek gene included. No offense to Giles or Wesley, intended. I've read about you Dawn in the reports Giles sent to the Council and I must say that I am honored to know you. You're a brave girl and with your sister you helped to save the world and I want to say thank you."  
  
Dawn smiled. "Yeah, your welcome. So you really read about me? I'm well known in geek circles?"  
  
"Yes, of course, you're an extraordinary young woman, both of you are."  
  
He smiled at them both, his eyes lingering on Buffy as she hugged her pleased sister.  
  
"Do you want to come to my party on Friday?" Dawn asked hoping to hear more about herself from him.  
  
"Well, yes, I would. I might have to leave early but I'd be very happy to stop by."  
  
"Sure, we'll get started at six."  
  
He headed for the door; "Thank you to you both and I'll see you soon."  
  
Dawn and Buffy said goodbye to him and sat on the couch.  
  
"What's with inviting the Watcher?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Let's see, he's a babe, he thinks I'm great and another present couldn't hurt."  
  
Running down the alley, she chased the vamp into an old abandoned home. When she entered she realized that it was demolished and she couldn't sense the vamp. She searched slowly trying to find him and not to betray herself. Behind her she could sense Derrick watching her every move. She closed her eyes and let her senses take over. In a flash she realized the vamp was behind a wall, she punched thru it cleanly and grabbed his neck. Her instinct was to play with him a bit for making it rough on her but she decided against it. She reached up with her other hand and twisted his neck until he turned to dust.  
  
"I think you used good judgment with that one." Derrick commented making notes into his PDA.  
  
"Let's see I dusted three vamps in four hours, I'd say that's my personal best. Tell me that I'm done for the night, cause I'm hungry and amped up."  
  
"Yes, Faith I think you have earned a meal at a local burger joint."  
  
"Good, I could really go for a Doublemeat Medley Meal. Isn't that place near by?"  
  
"Yes, just a few blocks away, let's go."  
  
They walked in silence until he raised the subject of how it went with her doctor's appointment.  
  
"Oh, it went alright, Virginia's cool, she didn't try to judge me or tell me that I was completely bent or anything. She even explained a couple of my dreams to me. The whole slayer thing gives you this cool dreams and you should really use them. We're gonna get along."  
  
"Yes, that sounds wonderful. How about afterwards?"  
  
"You told me that I could have some time to myself, and I did."  
  
"You can tell me what you did."  
  
"I guess, it's no biggy, I just took a walk in the sewers and I met up with this demon I hadn't seen in a while. We talked and he invited me back tonight to play poker with him and his friends."  
  
"What kind of demon?" He asked opening the door to the Doublemeat Palace.  
  
"He's the kind of demon that falls in love, drinks himself to sleep and makes me laugh."  
  
"I know a vampire like that." Buffy said as they stepped up to the counter.  
  
Faith's face went from smiling to frowning and she cleared her throat.  
  
"Hello, Buffy, Faith and I were in the area and decided to come and have a meal." Derrick said looking at Faith's sad face and Buffy's surprised one.  
  
"You've gotta eat, don't you Faith? What can I get for you?"  
  
They ordered quickly, Buffy assembled it and handed them their food. Derrick and Faith sat down and began to eat while Buffy went to ask to take a break. She sat down with them and watched them.  
  
Faith ate with relish consuming her food in record time. Derrick did not eat and instead drank a cup of coffee.  
  
"We had an eventful evening, Buffy, we worked on a small nest of vampires near here."  
  
Faith frowned. "Nothing big, B, they were pretty lame. I mean the last one I caught in this house that was tore up on the inside and broke his neck."  
  
"A house near here? Really? I'm glad you had a good, I mean, whatever."  
  
Faith finished her burger and turned to Derrick. "If it's alright, I'm gonna go to the game."  
  
"Please, be careful, if you have any problems, call me. Do you have your cell phone?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll call you when I'm on my way back. Have a good night B, I'm gonna go."  
  
"You too, Faith, your going to a basketball game?"  
  
"No, a poker game, actually. But it should be cool, we're not betting with money. I've never played kitten poker."  
  
Faith turned and left, as the color drained from Buffy's face. Derrick watched her closely and reached over and touched her hand. She pulled it away telling him with her expression that touching her was wrong. He nodded.  
  
"Do you know someone who plays kitten poker?" He asked.  
  
"I use to, I should go."  
  
"I didn't bring her here just to consume some very interesting food. I also found out a piece of information that I thought I should share with you." His expression and voice told her that he was way beyond serious.  
  
"What is it, is it something to do with Dawn or Willow?"  
  
"No, I swear, I wasn't completely honest with you when we first discussed Faith being back here. In truth, we're here for a very specific reason. Faith was told in order to leave prison she would have to prove herself in a quest. That quest is very dangerous and she could lose her life."  
  
"So, she's going on a quest, so what?"  
  
"I was given a pretty open ended period of time to train Faith and prepare her but now..I don't have the time I thought, I was informed that she will have to leave within the next few days to complete her task. I don't know in truth if she's ready but I wanted you to know just in case. She's been responding quite well to being home but I can't know for sure and I'm worried."  
  
She could tell by his pained expression that he actually meant it. As long as she'd known Giles any sort of emotion was hard on him to display but Derrick was different. She almost regretted pulling away her hand from him.  
  
"Faith's strong, and if she's meant to make it she will."  
  
"It's just that I've only just met Faith and I want her to succeed. This quest is very hard but the reward should be great."  
  
"Reward? What is this quest really about?"  
  
"She will be searching for the Orb of Thebes, it's an ancient tool to restore the soul. It can actually help those who seek redemption to see the error of their ways and show them their lives if they reform. But to those with no soul or no need for redemption it can enslave them. She will have to face a great deal in order to be worthy of it."  
  
"I can't help her, you can't ask me to."  
  
"No, I wouldn't, I know that she has to do this by herself. I wanted you to know in case this doesn't work and someone less than worthy does obtain the orb. I also think that she deserves your support at least in spirit in doing this."  
  
"She doesn't need my support, she needs a watchdog to make sure she doesn't use that orb to enslave bad people. I know you think she's great but I'm sorry if I've got some doubts. And look she's already out of your watchful eye, she's going to play kitten poker with a demons."  
  
"So can I conclude from that statement that you think she's a danger to the orb or to the demon who falls in love and drinks himself to sleep?" He asked unsure of her true meaning. "That demon is none of anyone's business and the orb is in danger, now I'll go back to my job."  
  
"We all have things in our pasts that we regret, and Faith at least has an opportunity to find a new path and redeem herself. I think she should be applauded for her attempt at least." Buffy got up, "I'd be happy to when I'm sure she's changed and playing poker with a demon she just met ain't gonna do it for me."  
  
She breathed in deeply, the stale air filled her lungs and she almost coughed for the stench. She touched the cool door and knocked. A deep voice within beckoned her to enter. She opened the door and looked for him within. The crypt was well lit with candles making it almost romantic and moody. He stood by a make shift card table that looked more like the cover of a tomb. A cigarette was dangling from his mouth and he was dressed in a black tank top and jeans. She smiled at him and he acknowledged her.  
  
"Have a seat, can I get you a drink?"  
  
"Do you have a soda, I'm not much for the drinking."  
  
"Sure, it's in the cooler under the table." He said laying out several sets of playing cards.  
  
She took out the soda and noticed a large wicker basket next to it. She opened it slowly and was surprised to see the kittens inside it. She picked up the first one whose face popped out. She closed it quickly and began to pet the kitten who was mostly all white with some Siamese.  
  
"Hey, put that back, you can't play with the item you were to play for."  
  
She smiled as the crying kitten licked her face. "I don't know I think this one is cute. Why do you play for kittens?"  
  
"I've been told they're delicious and the other demons like the taste, so that's what we use. Are you going to put that one back or take it home?"  
  
"Spike this one is mine, don't worry all the rest I'll bet if you'll loan me a few to get me started."  
  
"Sure, you can have my chair, but if you lose, I expect cash not a kitten coat."  
  
"Deal, bring on the demons."  
  
She stood in the middle of the cemetery staring at the graves wondering if she was turning into some sort of stalker. The minute she realized that Faith was on her way to see him it threw a wrench into her whole day. She finished her shift at the Doublemeat in a daze thinking of her there with him. It wasn't jealousy, she couldn't be jealous of her. She'd known Spike better than anyone else and still sometimes she could stare into his gentle blue eyes and see something unexpected. Being alive, a sensation she only felt in his arms and those arms were empty and alone.  
  
She walked up slowly to his crypt door and fought every impulse in her body not to tear that door down. But she couldn't think of one good reason to do it. She heard Spike's laughter ring out and it was another dagger to her soul, he was happy and she was must be miserable. A moment later she heard Faith's laughter and it was a happy sound that almost never escaped her.  
  
She breathed in deeply, the cool night air filling her lungs and failing to clear her mind. All she wanted was to not feel anymore and she walked away.  
  
"Spike, what are you doing at the door?" Clem asked looking up from the cards.  
  
He shrugged but didn't move until he was sure she was gone. He'd felt her presence before she'd been within a hundred yards of the place. He'd never drunk her blood but he could feel her like any prey he'd sampled. She was in his head like a bleeding curse.  
  
"Hey, if your just gonna hang out by the door Spike, why don't you light up some more candles?" Faith asked putting down one card to pick up another.  
  
He ignored her comment, he was sensitive to the light and she knew it. He went back to the table and picked up an empty bottle of liquor. When the cards were called, Faith smiled knowing full well that no one could beat her hand. She laughed as each of the demons exclaimed in frustration in their defeat.  
  
"Well, we're out of here, Spike." Clem cried as the other demons rose to leave.  
  
"Come on guys, I can spot you some strays." Faiths offered watching them get up.  
  
"No way, I mean, your better company then the other slayer but your ability to keep on winning is uncanny." Clem said.  
  
"So sue me, one more game will turn your day around."  
  
"I haven't had such a bad day since we were locked in the slayers home. And that Dawn she's got a poker face that surpasses even yours, Faith. Anyway I can only spend so much time with non-demons before I feel my skin getting tight." He explained on his way out.  
  
Spike began to clean up while Faith continued to play with her kitten. Emptying the ashtray, he looked at her and smiled. Her face was lovely almost child like and innocent. The kitten was sweetly licking her face, and her smile was almost happy.  
  
"First pet?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah, or at least the first one that liked me. So, you wanna bag the cagey and tell your tale."  
  
"I'm English, you should be trying to understand me."  
  
"Look, Blondie, you've been quiet and moody, don't get me wrong-you wear it well but what's up?"  
  
"I don't know what your talking about."  
  
"Well, let's start on this place, it's a wreck and why is a guy like you alone in it?"  
  
"I don't like to keep house and I'm not alone, you're here and I do have friends."  
  
"Sure, if you consider guys who you use your place as friends. There's a missing link here and I want to know, where's the girl that makes you miserable?"  
  
He sighed. "I'm a lone wolf, I don't need one girl, and I've got a stable."  
  
"I don't think so, if you want to tell me some time I'll listen."  
  
"And what about you slayer? What's your tale? What are you doing in Sunnydale hell?"  
  
She shook her head, " I don't have any secrets, and I'm getting ready to go on a quest."  
  
"To that spot out in the desert? Buffy, mentioned it once after beating me half to death."  
  
"No, I don't know anything about that. I'm going after this orb thing, it's not out in some desert as far as I know."  
  
"An orb?"  
  
"Some magical ball of stuff that redeems the soul or some crap like that. As far as I'm concerned it could be a big ball of twine and I'd go after it if it meant I could be free."  
  
"It's dangerous I suppose, no point in the quest if your just gonna come home empty handed."  
  
"If I don't get it, there's a pretty good chance I'll be dead."  
  
He studied her and realized that she was afraid of death and it made her look even lovelier. She didn't tremble or give any outward signs of it but he could sense it. She'd lived her life in the darkness, perhaps like Buffy she'd found comfort in it and become lost. But in her eyes she looked tired like someone who'd fought many wars and was ready to stop. He could see how alike she and Buffy were and that being a slayer had changed them. That sweet, strong girl who'd battled him so many times was gone and in it's stead was a stronger, harder woman. Perhaps Angel and his leaving had destroyed that girl. He'd seen the love between Angel and Buffy, sickening and weak he'd thought but maybe it wasn't. She'd been more open to him, able to love. With Riley she'd been weak unavailable and he'd seen it before she did. He couldn't forget that she had proclaimed that she couldn't love him. He wanted her to love him and deep inside he'd hoped what they had would light that spark.  
  
"Come by, whenever you like. I'm usually at home during the day but at night I like to go see Dawn."  
  
She stood up and walked over to him, " I just got an invite? Are we gonna be friends?"  
  
He smiled. "I don't do friendship very well."  
  
Her lips were within reach of his but he didn't move toward her. "Neither do I."  
  
He moved away from her and he heard her sigh. It would have been easy to take her right there and then something quick and pointless but he couldn't. The road of betrayal leads nowhere, even if it was only meant betraying someone who couldn't love you. It didn't stop him from hoping that one day she would come back and he couldn't destroy that for himself just yet.  
  
She watched him enjoying the way he looked lost in thought. Attraction toward danger and evil was something that hadn't stopped inside of her. He wasn't good or clean and he didn't pretend to be. If there was another person on the planet she felt like-it was him. When she looked at him she knew that he felt it too, that unmistakable pull to tear each other's clothes off. But he was sad and there was another woman in his head.  
  
"I'm gonna take my kitty and head home. I'll be back, Spike."  
  
___________________________________________________ ~~Faith is a means to an end, folks, which means of course that this is a Spike and Buffy story.  
  
So whatever Faith may dream of Spike, the truth is he belongs to only one slayer. 


	3. three

~Spoilers up to Entropy, mainly because I couldn't let Tara die or Willow go evil. This story picks up right before Tara and Willow get back together and Spike in the bathroom never happened.  
  
This story is the answer to questions I'd had, what if Faith had come back at the end of Season Six? What would Faith think of Spike and Buffy?  
  
I also gave her a watcher, and a way to save the world. This a SPUFFY story with Faith in it only to provide good angst. Please enjoy!~  
  
  
  
  
  
Sunlight  
  
  
  
  
  
PART THREE  
  
But you can say baby, Baby can I hold you tonight? Maybe if I told you the right words At the right time you'd be mine...Tracy Chapman  
  
Derrick tapped his foot on the floor waiting for Faith to finish her breakfast. Her need to consume huge amounts of food had normally amused him but now it was an obstacle to informing her about the quest. Her mouth was stuffed with sausage and eggs and her silence made him wonder where her thoughts were.  
  
"Derrick, what's this talk over tea all about?" She emptied her mouth and cleared her teeth.  
  
"The quest, I don't know how to say this, I know I told you that you'd have time to train but you don't. I've been informed by the Council that you will have to leave soon to complete the quest."  
  
She frowned and nodded. "So live today for tomorrow we die, is that it?"  
  
Her morbid words ringed true in his head but they didn't suit her. She'd come home from her poker game with an annoying kitten and a quiet look on her face. Something or someone had stirred her and her concentration had been reverted. It was important to him that she regains that focus, if only to keep her alive. He didn't trust that no matter how he had trained her that in the end she might end up failing.  
  
"Let's get on with the training, I'm ready for a serious work out and then I'd like to see a friend."  
  
"A friend? Is it someone you knew before?" He looked at her with concern.  
  
"No, I don't think I knew him, even then. He's different then well, other people. He's alone like me, he's been hurt and we make each other laugh."  
  
"Faith, your not a child, so be careful. This friend may seem just like someone to spend a nice evening with, but-"  
  
"I don't just want to spend a nice evening with him playing poker or talking about our lives, I like him. He's damaged but not with goodness or guilt. He doesn't pull away from me or make me feel like a freak. I haven't felt anything in so long and I guess I am now."  
  
"I want you feel, of course, but is he good enough?"  
  
She laughed. "If he was good enough I wouldn't want him, he's not good. We're just alike and I need that."  
  
"He sounds like a man who's healing, and those who are can be dangerous."  
  
"No lectures, Derrick, let's just get down to business."  
  
They walked down to the specially constructed gym and began their work out. Her fists flew at him with a power he was unaware she possessed. He deflected every hit by inches and the realization that she didn't want to hurt him. Her strength he'd been told was only equaled by Buffy who Giles had admired for both their powers. Only after several hours did a line of sweat cover her brow but she didn't stop for even a moment. He could barely keep up with her amazing stamina.  
  
"Listen, Derrick, I can keep doing this for a few more hours or we can stop and you can catch your breath. I'd like to catch my friend while the sun is still up."  
  
He nodded and moved away from her, "Good, I have to continue my research and call the Council, and get a definite time of departure."  
  
"You do that, I'm gonna do the girly thing and take a shower."  
  
He watched her walk away and tried to shove down the doubts that shook him.  
  
  
  
He slept deeply; the dreams seemed to have their own life, with each one revealing nothing lasting. Figures seem to strike out at him without form or shape, each tore at his flesh and he wanted to scream. His body felt heavy and he wanted to run but he couldn't. A hand reached out to him pulling him away from the figures and taking him into a bright light. When the light hit him he felt his body come alive a sensation he'd only felt when he was human. Inside that body he knew only more pain and the scream came out ripping into his head.  
  
He woke, the empty liquor bottle at his side fell to the ground and he knew he wasn't alone. In a chair across from him, she was watching him. She didn't move or say anything for a minute and then a small smile lit up her whole face. Her blonde hair down at her shoulders and she'd never looked more beautiful.  
  
"What are you doing here? You said you weren't ever coming near me again." He stated his voice cold and flat.  
  
"I don't think I ever said that."  
  
"When the shag fest was over you didn't look back." He commented swinging his legs over to the side of the bed.  
  
"I'm not here about us, I'm here because of Dawn. She's having a birthday on Friday and she's going to invite you." She watched him pull on his pants, he was careful to cover himself so that nothing showed.  
  
"So this is my warning to say-sorry little bit, I'm very busy and I won't be able to make it. I guess you don't want to be in the same room with me.  
  
It's a little awkward to be with me, unless your knickers are down at your feet. I can understand that." His bitterness made her frown and she looked away.  
  
"I want you to be there, Dawn likes you and I have to respect that. You've been really good to her, looking after her and being there for her. I don't want her to feel like she can't have you around just because of us." She looked down.  
  
"I like that word, us, it's not past tense, is it? Even though we are, right?" He smiled, hoping to see something anything like hope in her face.  
  
She frowned."What we were doing it wasn't right and it wasn't going anywhere and we both knew it."  
  
"I don't remember you ever asking me what I thought, I was just something for you be with and then you could walk away. I didn't matter or even count. I wanted something or anything from you that told me that you cared about me. But you couldn't do that." He crossed the room toward her.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"I thought you were done with that word. I don't need to hear it." He leaned over her and grabbed the arms of the chair she was in.  
  
She stood up, "Your right, I don't have to say I'm sorry. I wasn't the only one using someone. You did whatever you had to, to hurt me and it worked."  
  
He pushed her back down into the chair. "I hurt you? I vaguely remember you mentioning that before. I don't see how, though, you don't love me and you don't care about me. I was just, I think the phase is-moving on. Right?"  
  
"Right! Moving on, really just means moving on top of one of my best friends, huh? It didn't matter I suppose that you were hurting me. I can't stand the fact that I've been with you, there's nothing good about you-" He moved away from her.  
  
"Last time you said that you had the good sense to be hitting me."  
  
"I can't do this, there's no point to talking to you. You're never going to change-" She rose again ready to leave this time.  
  
"I'm never going to be good enough, right? No matter what I do?"  
  
Her anger swelled, she stared at him and all she wanted to lose her self inside him. He did hurt her; just looking at him was pain. He was right, she didn't have the right to keep doing this to them. She turned her back on him and started for the door.  
  
"That's great, just go, that's what you do best." He spit out bitterly.  
  
"You are right, you'll never be good enough for me to love. I can't trust you and every time I see you it gets confirmed. It doesn't matter what you do, it doesn't change the reality between us." She said it to stop him and stop herself from thinking he was anything she could ever really want.  
  
"I've lived longer than you have, so you might want to listen to the voice of experience. Reality, is a thing of the present, it can change. I've changed, so have you, you're just waiting for everyone else to."  
  
"No, Spike it's you, you'll never change. You'll always be evil and you never regret the things you've done."  
  
She walked out, without looking back.  
  
  
  
She tapped lightly on the door, she heard a voice inside beckon her in and she entered. The crypt was darker than usual and she could barely see anything. He stood there in the middle of the room staring at a blank wall laughing at himself. His face was sad and bitter, and she could tell that she had walked in after the storm.  
  
"What happened?" She asked.  
  
"Reality, dear, I just hit the wall and it hit back. You know, I really thought that if I could just be what she wanted that it would all work out. I curbed every impulse I had to just make her see that I changed. But she doesn't care; I'm just the dumb evil jerk she jumped for a while. I guess I'll have to leave town now, like the others. So, now I'm just another ex of her's and I'm nothing to her."  
  
"So what, your just gonna sit here and take it? She throws you away and you don't do anything to stop it?"  
  
"Deary, I love her, she can basically do anything to me, I'll take it and ask for more. I had her for a while and I always thought it would just be enough to have that. But I was wrong. I've been in love before and I know that it's more than she was willing to give."  
  
"Then forget her, she doesn't deserve you, if she can't see what you really are-"  
  
"Oh, please, I'm nothing. I'm selfish, I can't see anything from anyone's perspective except my own and I wasn't exactly faithful. I did things just to help her but they were the wrong things. I guess I don't have anyone to blame but myself."  
  
She approached him slowly and embraced him, it surprised them both. He closed his eyes and smelled her hair. She rested her check on his bare shoulder and sighed.  
  
"This quest your going on for the orb thing.. Would you like some back up?" He offered.  
  
"I'll take you in my corner any time, Spike. If Buffy doesn't know you like I do, then she doesn't deserve your love." She stared up into his face and smiled.  
  
He didn't open his eyes, he couldn't. Her kindness was out of place in his life and it only served to make him sadder. He was going to face death with Faith and maybe it would prove to him that he was alive and worthy.  
  
"I never said her name and I'm sure she never mentioned mine." He opened his eyes and looked at her straight in the eyes.  
  
"Yeah, that was kind of the dead give away, and she always liked it hot and heavy with the undead."  
  
"I guess I'll need to pack a bag, where are we going?"  
  
"To a land far, far, away." She teased.  
  
He smiled. "When do we leave?"  
  
"Friday night, I don't know how long we'll be gone."  
  
"I'll leave my affairs in order, which isn't much. I have to go see Dawn at her party before we can leave."  
  
"It's her birthday, ain't it?"  
  
"Yeah, she's turning sixteen, it's an important age."  
  
"Yes, it is, are you going to tell her about the quest?"  
  
He nodded. "She's got enough people in her life trying to keep the truth from her."  
  
He pulled away from her and picked up a small wrapped package nearby. He wanted Dawn to enjoy her day and maybe when he came home they'd both have something to celebrate.  
  
She strolled around the cemetery ready to kill anything that crossed her path. The blind pain that crossed her mind, had a face and name. They fought every time they were near each other, if only to stop from giving into the incredible attraction between them. Maybe killing a few vamps or demons would just help to stop the feeling. It didn't matter what she did in the end she ended up in front of Spikes crypt looking for an excuse. That fact alone made her wonder who was stalking whom.  
  
Behind her she heard someone running toward her and she turned in time to see a vamp run into a nearby crypt. In hot pursuit behind him were Faith and Spike who chased the vamp into that crypt as Buffy hid within site of them. She followed them, looking in at them.  
  
Spike grabbed the vamp roughly showing him his game vamp face. He threw the vamp across the room, his body hitting the wall with a loud thud. Faith followed picking up the vamp, he punched her hard across the mouth sending her down onto the floor. Spike enraged went after the vamp chasing him into a corner picking him up again by the shoulders, Faith stood up and ran toward them. The vamp tried to struggle free but Faith tackled them sending them both to the floor. The stake in her hand turned the vamp to dust and she fell on top of Spike. They're faces were close enough to kiss; she straddled him suddenly and pinned his arms down. He didn't resist for a moment and then they laughed.  
  
They're intimate movements and treatment of each other shook Buffy to the core. She could tell that Faith wanted him and that something was holding him back. She backed away from the door and ran away into the night. She didn't stop to even see her way; her feet barely touched the ground and her head pounded.  
  
"Who was that?" She asked turning toward the empty door.  
  
"That was Buffy who was checking up on you." He commented still pinned down.  
  
"Really? Your wrong, Blondie, that was B checking up on you and running away from us."  
  
He motioned for her to let him go and she did slowly, making sure she did so slowly to see if the fight had excited him in any way. It hadn't.  
  
  
  
It was a beautiful Friday morning, with birds singing and the smell of coffee in the air. She looked out the window realizing that sleep had completely eluded her. Dawn came in and cleared her throat loudly.  
  
"Happy Birthday, Dawn." She said sitting up in bed.  
  
"Okay, seeing that it is my birthday I expect you to be happy and be constant with the showering of presents."  
  
"How do you feel about, several Doublemeat meals on me?"  
  
"Funny, but no, I'd like the works, party, band, cake, all my friends and lots of presents."  
  
"How about a few blown up balloons, a home baked cake and a couple of people?"  
  
Dawn shook her head, "No, Buffy, get up and make my birthday dreams come true."  
  
"I will be good sister-Buffy and get this house in party mode." She said getting up slowly.  
  
"You got home late last night, wanna talk about it?"  
  
"No, I'd rather not, no big bad or anything. I went for a walk when I should have stayed home and watched TV with my favorite sister." She pulled on her robe and walked Dawn out of her room.  
  
"Buffy, unless the monks or Dad get real creative, I'm your only sister."  
  
  
  
Derrick watched Faith pack her bags with a curious look on his face. The army style duffle bag was stuffed with several skimpy shirts and leather pants.  
  
"So, that is all you need to retrieve an ancient orb? You don't think that you might want to be a little bit more practical in your choices?" He asked with a small smile.  
  
"Look who's in full Watcher mode." She said with a bright smiling face.  
  
"That's my name don't wear it out. But really Faith, don't you think that you might want to include a few necessary items?"  
  
"I still have to pack my weapons, make-up and a pair of boots I spotted at the mall."  
  
"Oh, well, that is all you'll need." He said smartly. "Can I ask what the smile and good mood is all about?"  
  
"I've decided that I need a strong stable man to back me up on my quest."  
  
"I'm flattered, Faith, but I cannot accompany you. I do understand-"  
  
"Oh, please, Derrick, I wasn't talking about you. My back up is Spike, he asked me if he could come along and I said yes."  
  
"Spike? He asked to accompany you on a dangerous quest that could end both of your lives?"  
  
"Okay, can we stay on the side of the optimistic?"  
  
"I've read a great deal of research on Spike and he doesn't seem like the type to risk his life for someone he barely knows without they're being a reward for him."  
  
"He did ask to go and he didn't ask for anything. He just wants to help me, I think. It doesn't matter really because I want him to come and he's going."  
  
He frowned. "I've spoken with Giles recently and he had some interesting thoughts on the question of Spike. I believe that he had some great hopes that Spike would become some sort of hero, but what he has proved time and time again that he is not."  
  
"I know, isn't that great? He's not some white knight demon like Angel and he isn't about doing the right thing every time. I think he's human and he shows it with the way he treats people."  
  
"I don't think you should trust him without reservations."  
  
"I know, I don't know him as well as I could, but in this short time, I've learned to like what I've seen of him."  
  
"Don't allow your feelings to cloud your judgment."  
  
"I don't, it's all instinct."  
  
"You know perhaps I should speak with Buffy about him."  
  
She laughed. "That will be a very strange conversation. For a really smart guy, you've got a lot to learn about men and woman."  
  
"What do you mean?" He asked completely confused.  
  
"I would be curious to ask Buffy about Spike, and to see how she dodges it. Derrick, haven't you ever noticed that she doesn't talk about the one demon who's been with her the last couple of years?"  
  
"I assumed that there was some sort of falling out."  
  
"Yes, or some sort of falling into the sack. Nobody says anything but I bet all of her friends know that she has been making time with him."  
  
He laughed. "Yes, Giles did mention that Spike had developed a sort of crush on Buffy, but he assured me it was all one sided."  
  
"Yeah, well, whatever. Buffy and Spike use to press the sheets pretty regular and then she told him he wasn't good enough and that was that."  
  
"But." To say that Derrick was dumbfounded was an understatement; he'd never even considered the idea that Buffy and Spike had been a couple.  
  
He couldn't help but feel sorry for her and think that she must have been desperately hurt and confused to do such a thing. To have become intimate with a creature that in it's nature was completely without redemption was a blatant cry for help.  
  
"She's not the perfect little slayer you thought, huh? She's got a pretty neat dark side and I bet that Spike is just the beginning."  
  
  
  
"Decorations check. Band, is too expensive, so boom box is cheap and that's a check, too. I picked the cake up from the bakery and it's very cute, so check. Friends, demons and others have been contacted to show and check. Let's see what's left, presents, great and I have twenty bucks to my name to pay lots of overdue bills. And I need to get Dawny a present." She grumbled looking at the lonely bill in her hand.  
  
The house did look good, with lots of homemade decorations, which she hoped would impress her little sis. But money was always the issue and that there never seemed to be enough of it.  
  
There came a knock on the door and she sighed. A knock usually meant at this hour, that the mailman had arrived with even more threatening bills. She opened the door with an obvious pout.  
  
"Hello, I have a registered letter here for Buffy Summers." The mailman asked.  
  
She frowned. "That's me, tell me it's not another bill."  
  
He looked at the letter, "It's from a bank in England, I think."  
  
She took it after signing for it and opened it wondering if it was more bad news.  
  
The letter was indeed from a bank in England informing her that all future checks would be deposited in her account in the Sunnydale Bank. But enclosed was a check for $5000 and a nice thank you. If she could have fainted over the shock she would have.  
  
The phone rang, she answered it happily, "Hello?"  
  
"Buffy, it's Derrick, I was wondering if the Council had sent you a check?"  
  
"This is from the Council?"  
  
"Yes, when I explained that you were having some monetary concerns, they decided to treat you like any other employee and provide you with an income. That check is the first and you can expect one each month for the same amount or more depending on inflation."  
  
"Does that mean that the Council thinks they own me? I mean, I do need the money but I---"  
  
"The check does not mean they claim ownership of you or anything. It's a small token of their esteem and respect for you and the job your doing. I was just calling to inform you of that. Have you spoken to Giles recently?"  
  
"No, not since the last visit, I guess, why?"  
  
"I had been talking to Faith about Giles and he simply forgot to mention certain piece of information to me."  
  
"Giles isn't usually the king of vague, he's usually explains stuff so well that you want to stop him at any cost."  
  
"Yes, I suppose, he does do that. Dawn's party is tonight, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, don't feel like you have to spend the night at some boring birthday party. We'll understand if you've got other stuff."  
  
"No, no stuff, I will be there hopefully on time to wish the lovely Dawn a Happy Birthday, is she excited?"  
  
"She will be now, I'm gonna take this check and make a few dreams come true and pay some bills."  
  
"Good, there is no reason for you to ever have to worry about money again. I also want to say that if you ever need anything or just an ear, I'd be honored."  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"I'll see you tonight, I have to go."  
  
"Bye, Derrick, and thank you."  
  
She hung up and grabbed her purse to head out to the bank. This was going to be the best birthday party ever, Dawn deserved a bit of happiness and to be the center of attention for once. She willed herself to let no one and nothing to come in the way of that.  
  
  
  
Dawn strolled home, hoping that when she arrived the party would begin immediately and that her homework could be put off until the end of time. As she arrived on her street she could feel someone walking behind her and she felt really strange. A voice called out her name sweetly.  
  
She turned around. "Hello, Faith, I promised Buffy that if I saw you that I would run the other way."  
  
Faith nodded. "I understand that big sis just wants to protect you, I get that. But Dawny we were cool with each other for a long time before-"  
  
"Before you tried to kill people and took my sister's identity?"  
  
"I went to prison and I learned a few things."  
  
"I bet."  
  
"I don't mean, look, it's your birthday kid and I saw this at the mall and I want you to have it."  
  
Behind her back Faith had a wrapped present that she put down on the ground.  
  
"Dawn, I don't want you to break your word, so I'll just leave this here and you can open it after the bomb squad says it's cool." Faith said backing up slowly.  
  
Dawn knew that it was a gesture to just be nice and not to suck up to her. "Faith, look, I'm having a party tonight, if you want you can come and bring the present."  
  
Faith frowned. "I'm not sure that's a good idea kid, I don't have a lot of friends in this town."  
  
"Come tonight, maybe you can change a few minds. I always liked you and I think everybody deserves a second chance."  
  
"I'll be there, I won't stay long. I'm going out of town tonight." Faith picked up a present.  
  
"The party is at six, Derrick's coming so he can give you a ride."  
  
"Yeah, or I could come with somebody else."  
  
"Sure, I'll see you. It's nice to see you so changed, calm and nice."  
  
"Thanks, you'd better go or big sis will send out a search party."  
  
Dawn smiled and nodded. "Yep, she's still convinced I'm ten years old and I can't be left alone."  
  
Faith waved goodbye and Dawn felt that whatever she'd gone thru had made her a better person. And tonight there was going to be enough tension and stress, with Spike being in the room with everybody. She didn't know why they all just couldn't get along for the evening. 


	4. four

PART FOUR  
  
So you walked with me for a while,  
  
You shared your naked soul  
  
And you told me of your plans,  
  
How you would never let them know..Melissa Etheridge  
  
"The band should arrive any minute, Xander, I need you to tell them where to set up. I have a present I have to wrap and my hair is a mess." Buffy ordered.  
  
Xander sat passively on the couch and nodded. He seemed much more interested in the corn chips in his hand then in helping out.  
  
Willow was in the kitchen working on a menu that would be suitable for demon and human alike. And Dawn was upstairs pampering herself and deciding what to wear.  
  
After cashing her check Buffy had spent the money on the Bronzes house band and searching the mall for the perfect outfit for Dawn. For a moment she thought she might even be happy with her life, until she looked at all of her loved ones and saw the loss in their eyes. The once strong trio was nursing some pretty major wounds and each seemed wrapped up in their own recovery. She didn't share her own pain; the only one who'd ever understood her was gone. It wasn't going to be easy to make it party central when everybody was so glum but Dawn deserved some fun.  
  
"So who is exactly showing up for this happy event?" Xander asked still staring at the television.  
  
"Some of Dawn's school friends, you and me of course."  
  
" What are you leaving out Buff?"  
  
She frowned. "Derrick will be here, of course. And that's where I'm gonna leave it."  
  
"Psycho Faith is coming, so what? I'll be sure to steer clear of her and we'll all be fine."  
  
Buffy tried to get up the courage to mention that Spike would be coming but she was sure that Xander's violent response would send her over the edge. She didn't like the idea of the two of them in the same room and it seemed like there would be no way to avoid it.  
  
  
  
The driver opened the trunk and put in both bags, he was careful to barely touch the large swords that were practically escaping from one. Spike and Faith stood near by, it was just after sundown and they could almost feel the heat of the sun. Spike had removed his leather jacket and was just looking around waiting for Derrick to join them.  
  
"I'll stay at the party for five minutes and then we're out of there." Spike stated.  
  
"Okay, I talked to Dawn today and she invited me. We can walk in together, if you want."  
  
He shrugged. "Yeah, okay, is Derrick on his way or what?"  
  
"Yes, he was on his fifth change of clothes the last time I saw him."  
  
He laughed. "A Watcher who's more concerned with his appearance then a dusty pile of books, scary."  
  
Faith smiled. "I didn't think he owned any clothes that weren't Armani or something."  
  
"So how are we traveling tonight?"  
  
"Derrick has a private plane, a loaner from the Council, to take us there, are you cool with that?"  
  
"Yes, that's great. I don't really care if it's boxcar or boat as long as we get there."  
  
Derrick arrived finally in a wave of stinky cologne and freshly hair sprayed boy band hair. The site of him made Spike want to hurl and on some strange level he reminded him of do-gooder Riley. That fact alone would make him want to hate him.  
  
  
  
Dawn checked her appearance one more time in the mirror and smiled. It was her birthday and her special day and she prayed that there would be no big bad's coming to ruin it. She wondered if there was time to find a spell that would ensure that it would be a happy night. Or least something like a curse that would prevent Xander and Spike from drawing blood.  
  
Buffy entered. "Gosh, I think I'll lock the door so that no girl crazy boy gets a look at you."  
  
"No way, I have to show off this outfit you got me and the earrings that Janice got me. I know the other presents won't even compare."  
  
"I'm not so sure, Xander said something about buying you that Barbie Dream House you talked about in the fourth grade. And of course Spike will turn up with something..very special, I'm sure. And I want you to know that I went to see him to assure him that he's welcome here, even if I'm here."  
  
Dawn smiled and her hopes were raised to the sky. "You and Spike talked? Do I have something to look forward to there?"  
  
"Dawn, it's not like that between Spike and I, it's just not. We ended up fighting anyway, but we both care about you. And that's what is important today."  
  
"Spike loves you and it's not over for him. He's done bad crazy things but he's stayed. He hasn't run away like Angel or Riley, he's the one that sticks. And you know that, so why don't you just give him a chance?"  
  
"It's not love Dawn, it's lots of things but not love. I can't love someone who can't even feel anything that isn't completely selfish."  
  
"I don't believe you, if you didn't at least like him, you'd have staked him a long time ago. He tries Buffy, I see it and I see your face when you hear his name. I don't think it's over for either of you."  
  
Buffy embraced her little much taller sister. "Let's get off the Spike subject, so we can focus on you and having fun."  
  
"Alright, changing the subject in mid-stream this time is okay. I'm ready, let's party."  
  
"Good and no mentioning of unpleasant stuff like Spike."  
  
Dawn frowned. She wanted to help her poor blind love challenged sister make a love connection with the only decent guy she couldn't admit loving. And when she was done with that she'd explain to Buffy why she invited Faith and duck before she could throw something.  
  
  
  
"Welcome to my party! Presents go on the dining room table and the refreshments are in the living room. Enjoy!" Dawn enthused happily each time the door opened.  
  
Xander looked over at the youngest Summers and smiled. Her excitement reminded him of Anya and how much she enjoyed any occasion. Her sweet voice would ring in his ears and it was all he could do to stop himself from screaming. Every memory they had was tainted now and that wasn't the worse part.  
  
Buffy sat next to Xander seeing him go from smiling to frowning in less than five seconds. He was still fondling a bag of chips and wearing a mopey face. The house was have filled with friends and demons, some that they had met at the wedding that didn't happen.  
  
There was a knock on the door and Dawn sprang to life again. She skipped the greeting when she saw who was on the other side of it.  
  
She embraced him and squealed in delight. "Spike, you're here, I am so glad. Come in."  
  
Xander began to rise up out of the couch until Buffy's strong hand and facial expression told him to sit tight.  
  
"Hello, little bit, here's the present I owe you." He handed her the gift but made no attempt to come in.  
  
"Hi, Faith, it's nice for you to come." Dawn said still happy.  
  
Buffy rose out of her seat and went to the door.  
  
"Buffy, it's okay, I invited her." Dawn volunteered.  
  
Faith nodded. "We're not staying, B, we have somewhere to be. Dawn, here's your present, have a good one."  
  
Faith took one good look at Buffy and knew she should head for the limo immediately. She did so without another word.  
  
"We?" Buffy asked Spike.  
  
"Yeah, we're headed out of town, Faith and I. Dawn, I wanted you to know that so that you wouldn't wonder. We've got this orb thing to go get and we'll be back soon. And I wanted to say.. Bye, little bit." He kissed Dawn's cheek looked at Buffy and then walked away.  
  
She walked after him curious after the statement that Faith made to her.  
  
"So, your just going?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Yes, I'm going I'll make it up to Dawn when I get back." He said still walking away from her.  
  
"Wait, you just pop in say bye and that's it?"  
  
"I'm not big on goodbye's, remember?"  
  
She stopped him with her hand on his wrist, "I don't understand, why are you going?"  
  
He turned slowly, "I don't understand why your acting like you care, you don't, you know?"  
  
She nodded. "I guess I deserve that, but please answer my question."  
  
"He wanted to go, and I want Spike to watch my back. You see, B, I'm not afraid of doing a little evil or having a little evil in me." Faith chimed in.  
  
Spike grimaced at her comment; he shot her a glance to let her know- she was not helping.  
  
Buffy stopped and just stared at him she couldn't think of one thing that could express how she felt in that moment. Faith got in the limo and left the door open for Spike.  
  
She couldn't say goodbye or wish him well but at the same time she couldn't turn away from him.  
  
"Spike, I don't.Fine, do whatever you want, you always do anyway." Her words were bitter and cold.  
  
"I'm just doing what you want me to do." He said getting into the limo.  
  
The limo sped off into the night and she just stared after it.  
  
"Good riddance," Xander said behind her.  
  
"I bet that's what you say to Anya when she goes."  
  
"If you like him so much why don't you just run after him?" He asked indignantly.  
  
"I can't, I don't love him and that's why he's gone."  
  
"Good, and if falls on a stake it would sure make me happy."  
  
"Do you hate him because Anya slept with him or because I did?"  
  
She didn't wait for an answer and went back inside of the house.  
  
He stared up at the sky and the impact of her words continued to hit him. He loved Anya and knowing that she had been foolish enough to sleep with Spike hurt deeply and he wasn't ready to forgive it. But the anger toward Buffy having done the same thing was worse. She was his friend and she'd done this gross thing as a cry for help and nobody even noticed. All of their lives were in a tailspin and nothing seemed to help.  
  
  
  
A mountain of gifts on the dining room table, lots of food and the coolest band the Bronze had ever had greeted Dawn's guests. She looked at it all and thought she should have been really happy. But all of those she really cared about were miserable, except for Willow and Tara who seemed finally able to get back together. Bloated Xander sat on the couch nursing heartbreak and an even bigger chip on his shoulder. Buffy sat near by looking lost and trying to listen to Derrick who was trying desperately to get her attention. Dawn liked him but he should have known that Buffy didn't need another guy trying to make her life better.  
  
"I'd never seen a vampire with such strength and power, he also possessed an incredible knowledge of magic. He just seemed able to enslave those without any self-esteem. I think he's the most evil scary demon I've ever come across, but he left town soon after." Derrick offered to a clearly uninterested Buffy.  
  
She nodded, "Yeah, Dracula thought he was all that, so I killed him. He was really no big deal, I've killed worse."  
  
He smiled. "Well, yes, of course but-"  
  
"Derrick, I can really go on for a while talking about the Big Bad's I've killed but I think I'm more concerned with why Spike and Faith are together on a quest."  
  
He frowned. "Well, I believe it was Spike's idea to accompany her on the quest, to cover her back as it were. I saw no harm in---"  
  
"You saw no harm in letting an unstable woman and a blood thirsty vampire go after an object that could enslave people? You're a Watcher, why aren't you like ever watching them?"  
  
Her sudden burst of anger shocked him, "Buffy, they're not alone, they are being watched by the Council but I was asked not to interfere with her final fate."  
  
"Faith's fate isn't what I'm worried about. I think I'm more worried about what she's gonna do with the mystical orb when she's got it. What if she decides to go evil again and uses it with Spike to take over the world?"  
  
"I don't think that she is----"  
  
"I really don't care what you think she will do, I'm talking about the two of them and what they are capable of together. Spike is evil complete and pure, how long before decide that they like the evil in each other? And what if that leads to.."  
  
The conflict of emotions in Buffy's face made Derrick almost embarrassed for her. She turned away from him and motioned that she needed to fill her not empty glass.  
  
She entered the kitchen and placed her glass in the sink. She looked out of the window and knowing that what she felt was wrong even more than caring about Spike. Dismissing Spike sleeping with Anya wasn't easy, but it wasn't about anything but pain. Spike and Anya didn't have any real connection or bond.  
  
But she could see the bond between Faith and Spike and it hurt, maybe more than camera sex. Faith could talk about Spike and see him without giving a damn what anyone else thought. She couldn't do that, be that open about him even to herself.  
  
Willow entered the kitchen careful to make noise so that Buffy would notice her.  
  
"Boy, that Clem really knows his boy bands, he's got Dawn beat on every trivia question Xander can come with. And did you see that cute demon guy from Xander's wedding giving Dawn the eye? Too bad that eye is his only one."  
  
Buffy turned and smiled at her old friend, "I'm okay Will, I promise, I just lost my cool on the Faith thing."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
She swallowed and nodded. "Yeah, you know that Derrick is so dense, he thinks he can let her loose on the world and it's all okay."  
  
"I meant are you sure that it's the Faith thing that's making you kind of intense?"  
  
"What do you mean, Will? Are you asking me if I'm bugged about something else?"  
  
"Yeah, like the whole you sleeping with Spike thing? Are you bothered at least that another guy you've been with is now with Faith?"  
  
"No, because they're not together, and even if they were I wouldn't care. I don't care about him like that. And look at him, he's evil he slept with Anya."  
  
"Yes, I get that part, the making bad choices thing and he's not the only one around here doing that. Buffy, we've been friends for like forever now, you didn't trust me with this before but now I want you to."  
  
"I didn't want you to know, I didn't even want to admit it to myself. He seemed to understand me and not mind if I wasn't Buffy the Strong every minute. I just used him over and over again. I didn't care what he wanted or what he thought. He loved me, I knew that and I used that. I hated it. How could I just let him do those things to me? And mostly I enjoyed those things, and I craved those things. But it wasn't right."  
  
"Oh, I see, I guess. You told him it was over, right? So now it's really just an over thing now? I guess that's really good. But if it is such an over thing, why would you care if he goes somewhere with Faith?"  
  
She looked down. "I don't not really, it's just that, she doesn't care what anybody thinks. She can just go, be with him and nobody will look down on her."  
  
"That's because everybody does look down on her. I'm sure that dating Spike is pretty okay after going to prison for murder and trying to kill everybody who tried to be her friend. I think Spike is almost a step up for her, in a totally crazy way."  
  
"So, I'm little bothered by the whole Faith/Spike thing. I guess sometimes being evil is just a lot easier then not being really evil."  
  
"It's okay to feel something, I know you do, I saw your face when you saw Spike and Anya. And there's nothing wrong with being concerned about him being with Faith."  
  
Xander entered the kitchen then, his face full of fear. He came toward them walking quickly.  
  
"You'd better get out there.Clem and Dawn are trying to get together a game of Twister and some of those demons have extra well, I think limbs and things."  
  
"I'll go," Willow volunteered.  
  
Xander smiled at Willow as she left and then he cleared his voice.  
  
"What I said outside, I'm sorry. I'm just nursing some hurt and I'm taking it out on well, everybody."  
  
"Yeah, we're all kinda big on the taking it out on other people thing."  
  
He nodded and then raised his hand as if a disturbing thought had just occurred to him.  
  
"I was just thinking about something, when you went invisible you left me and Anya holding the bag at the Magic Box. I was just wondering if I walked in well, on some naked push ups between you and Spike?"  
  
She laughed. "I plead insanity."  
  
  
  
He was awake, and jumpy like an exposed nerve. She was asleep on his shoulder; most of her body was draped over his almost clinging to him. She smelled wonderful a combination of some lotion and the blood she carried in her veins. He could sense her fear and excitement similar but different to another slayer he knew. He wasn't afraid, even if death was at the end of this trip what he felt wasn't any form of fear.  
  
The luxury plane carried them away to a part of the world that even he was not completely familiar with.  
  
He was impressed that the Council could afford such a dishy mode of transportation.  
  
"I'm sorry, I guess I was more tired than I thought." She apologized.  
  
"It's alright, I don't mind. I'm just sitting here hoping that where we're off to isn't overly sunny."  
  
"Well it's known for it's really short summers and very long no sun winters. So I think we'll be pretty safe."  
  
"Yeah, safe until we get there and find this demon with the orbs."  
  
"Yep, safe as kittens. So, are we gonna stay with the small talk or are we gonna talk about the look B gave you when we took off?"  
  
"It doesn't matter, she runs hot and cold every minute of every day. She's just worried that we'll take that lovely orb and run off to destroy the world. I think she'd even expect it and wouldn't that just be the excuse she needed to put a stake in me finally."  
  
"What a waste if she ever did." She said almost purring.  
  
"Really? Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be kind to put me out of my misery."  
  
"Come on, Spike being depressing guy doesn't seem like your bag. You've been more alive then most people and I bet you've never been sorry for any of it."  
  
"Maybe if you regret then you can learn from your mistakes, before I had this chip being evil was so clear and clean to me. And maybe it was all just a joke because I have no soul, no hope and when I'm dust that's it, I cease to exist."  
  
"That can happen to any of us." She touched his face.  
  
For a creature with no soul, he seemed to feel a whole lot. He was obsessed with woman who could never love him and he was risking his life to see if he was worth redeeming. She knew of course, that he wanted to use the orbs to see if there was hope for him. Before when she'd been in prison she thought about her own redemption and now it was within her grasp. But now she thought about them both and what would happen when the orbs were with them. She wasn't even sure if she cared so much about herself anymore.  
  
The plane suddenly lost altitude and they almost fell floor of the plane. The pilot's door opened suddenly and inside of it the pilots were struggling to save the plane. She looked desperately at Spike but he seemed to be lost in making a plan of escape.  
  
He grabbed her arm and forced her toward the door. It was obvious from the pilots cries that they were not going to make it in one piece. The plane suddenly headed into a steep nosedive and Spike opened the door. Faith embraced him hoping that vampires made good cushions on the way down to the ground. 


	5. five

~~Disclaimer- Nothing belongs to me, its borrowed and teased with..  
~~Feedback is lovely.  
~~FYI- This story was started way before Season Seven, and it starts before everything goes wrong in Season Six.  
PART FIVE  
It was so right, it was so wrong  
  
Almost at the same time  
  
The pain and ache, a heart can take  
  
No one really knows  
  
But when the memories cling and take you there  
  
Till you no longer care  
  
You can let go now.. Alison Krauss  
She stood in the living room and watched the party go on without her. She smiled and spoke when it was called for but inside her mind was trailing behind Spike and the limo he left in.  
  
Xander drowned beer after beer, relieved that he didn't have to go to work tomorrow so he could sit at home all day in his underwear and eat snacks. It was heartwarming to watch Willow and Tara sharing smiles. Dawn glowed in the adoration of humans and demons alike, who couldn't get enough of her telling them that until recently she hadn't even existed. Derrick ever the watcher seemed interested only in observing her actions and the bottle of wine he brought to drink. It was all she could do not to scream out loud but instead she slipped out after cake and presents.  
  
Somehow her thoughts raced between quitting the Doublemeat, the one eyed demon who was flirting with Dawn at the party earlier and what the Nerd Trio was up to.  
  
But if she were being straight to herself she'd admit that her thoughts were wrapped around Spike and Faith being wrapped around each other. Faith looked at him with some sort of needing and longing, it was a way she'd never looked at him. She didn't know how Faith could ignore all that he was and still find something redeeming about him.  
  
It was a cool still night and the streets and cemetery's were empty, she wanted to go into Spike's crypt and feel the comfort of him around her without his presence. All roads seemed to lead her to his door but she couldn't seem to go in as if there were a human barrier on the door. Instead she sat down on the steps of his crypt and willed herself to stay put.  
  
The door the crypt opened behind her and she turned toward it.  
  
"A penny for your thoughts," asked Derrick as he emerged from Spike's crypt.  
  
"Did you slip out of the party, too? What were you doing in there?" She asked flatly.  
  
"Well, you know Spike is a legend in Watcher circles, so I was asked to film his crypt so the Council can study his habitat." He held out a small video camera.  
  
"Why is he such a legend to the Council? I mean I've fought and killed so many vamps that were considered unkillable and nobody ever wanted to study them."  
  
"That's it exactly, you've always killed your enemies but this one you've vowed to kill countless times is still alive. What is so special about this demon that has kept you from killing him after all he's done to you?"  
  
She shrugged. "Well, I guess that Spike has always been big on the running away thing before I can kill him. A couple of times I just had more important things to do than just stake him. It can kinda be time consuming. And he did help me to stop Angelus and he didn't have to do that. He came back and the chip prevented him from doing anything to humans so I guess I just left him alone."  
  
"Well, I think it's more complicated than that, I spoke to Giles in detail about this subject and even he couldn't figure it out completely. But he did think that Spike is in some sort transitional stage, he's caught in the middle between being a demon and human."  
  
"He's nothing like a human, trust me."  
  
"But don't you think his actions while you were dead-gone was a great indication that he has begun to change? To me he seems greatly conflicted and unable to decide between good and evil."  
  
"I don't.think he's capable of that, he's got no soul and that means he has no regret. And if you can't regret then you can't learn from your mistakes."  
  
"Perhaps, but if he is in this transition then obtaining a soul is within his grasp. I have studied certain aspects of vampire behavior; many of them form bonds of love. You've come across a few I believe, Darla and Angelus and of course, Spike and Drucilla, they were vampires but they endured centuries together in love."  
  
"Love? If killing people together is what you consider a love bond, then it's love. It's not real."  
  
"I think love exists for all creatures, otherwise what is the point in existing?"  
  
She nodded and smiled. "I guess, but you can't change someone's nature with love, especially a demons if Spike were a man, well, maybe."  
  
She stood up and walked away from him then.  
  
"And if Spike were a man, would you love him?" He asked in almost a whisper.  
  
The empty night did not answer him.  
She closed her eyes and held onto him even tighter as the ground came closer and closer. He took the brunt force of the impact; if he had any real need for his bones they would all be broken. She did not open her eyes instead she relished the feeling of him against her.  
  
"Hmm, you can look up now." He said lightly touching her hair.  
  
"Yeah, okay, let's go, where are we?" She asked looking around.  
  
"Massacre Valley, it's called." He said standing up slowly.  
  
"How did-" She then noticed the sign saying so.  
  
"The name is strikingly appropriate, I think. After a twelve-hour plus plane ride we get to arrive here with basically no weapons or idea how we're going to get out here. Don't suppose there's a hotel on this island?" He asked looking out at the barren windswept island.  
  
"I'm sure there is but we've gotta find the pond first and get our quest on the way. Once the Protector finds out we've landed he's gonna send his buddies out for us. They breathe fire and like to eat all cooked meat, of any kind."  
  
"Well speaking for my big pile of dust meat, I'll take that as a cue to get going, come on."  
  
She slipped her warm hand into his cold one and smiled at him. From her pocket she revealed a small item that looked like a PDA, she opened it and turned it on.  
  
"It's a locator it'll help us find the pond, it will also give our location to whoever is gonna come get us." She tightened her grip on his hand.  
  
"I guess that will come in handy, let's go."  
  
"We're going this way, I think." She pointed in a direction and they went toward it hand in hand.  
He stood outside the Magic Box watching Anya speak to a young man, she was smiling at him and showing him a small statue on a shelf. When the young man turned away from her, her face returned to its normal grim look. He knew of course that she felt like he did lost and alone. At least she had her work to keep her sane, but he felt like he had nothing. Her anger toward him was what hurt the most, he couldn't over come it to help her. He wanted to tell her that he had been wrong and that they would try to work it out, but in the end he knew he wasn't ready. Loving someone doesn't always mean you can commit to them fully.  
  
"So, why are you out here looking in?" A voice asked behind him.  
  
"I don't think that going in and fighting with her is on the path of the smart guy. And I'm still a little angry at her for sleeping with the undead. What are you doing here?" Xander asked.  
  
"Not to look at Anya or fight with her, I was just on my way to coffee, want some?"  
  
"No, I don't think I should be jumpy guy either, Buffy, but I'll walk with you."  
  
She smiled at him, the thaw was in with them but it was still gonna take time.  
  
"So are you gonna tell me what your doing going for coffee at 8am on a Saturday?" He asked.  
  
She shrugged. "I didn't get much sleep, so I thought coffee and walking sounded good."  
  
"Still can't get the idea of Spike and Faith out of your head? Funny, well, not really, but I still can't get the idea of Spike and Anya out of mine. Buff, I just hope that they don't come back."  
  
"Sure, then they can just take over the world somewhere else. I don't trust them."  
  
"I think that trust is something lost on either one of them. If you think about it they're perfect for each other, neither of them has a soul and their both fixated on you." He laughed.  
  
"I think she's actually fixated on him, not me. I was talking to Derrick and without the laugh track, he thinks that Spike is this demon who really wants to be redeemed, like as in a soul."  
  
"Oh, now come on, all he wants is to get that chip out so he can kill you and make a meal out of everybody in this town. Spike with a soul now that's funny."  
  
"Yes, I know, laugh it up."  
When morning arrived the sun was well hidden behind a blanket of thick dark clouds and they traveled in silence each lost in thought, hers on finding the opening and his on the rumbling of his stomach. Her hand had never left his and he knew that she felt connected to him in a way he didn't want to face. Searching hour after hour feeling like maybe this quest was fruitless, he wondered how different it would be with Buffy holding his hand.  
  
The island had been scarred by war, it looked reminiscent of a cemetery without bodies.  
  
Finally they reached a tiny pond and stood at the edge of it.  
  
"This is it, come on." She urged him.  
  
"This is a puddle."  
  
"I know, we're jumping in it, and come on."  
  
"I don't need my feet to get wet---" Her not so gentle hand was on his back and pushed him with all its strength into the muddy pond.  
  
If there had been any breath in his lungs it would have been caught as they fell through the pond not into muck but instead straight down a into a large cave. They landed awkwardly his face resting between her breasts, her lips curled into a cool smile as he eased the rest of his body off of hers.  
  
"Kind of cool, huh?" She asked him.  
  
He frowned. "The cave? Well, yeah, but I don't suppose they've ever heard of doors around here."  
  
"It's a mystical opening, it'd draw less attention then the regular entrances."  
  
"My back could take a door right now. So, where are we headed?" He stood up slowly favoring his aching back.  
  
"The locator advises we head north."  
  
"I hope that thing knows where we're going."  
  
"We'll find out soon." She held out her hand and he pulled her up slowly, she jumped forward on purpose brushing her body against his trying to register any interest in his eyes. He took a step back and looked away.  
Determined to keep a regular schedule, which meant probing the streets looking for action, she moved thru the back alleys mostly looking at her feet. Perhaps it was the warm air or the smell of something decaying that made the whole patrolling thing seem particularly pointless that night. Closing her eyes it was easy to imagine another set of feet following close behind her, he would wait and watch hoping to help or lure her into a dark alley for quick bit of passion. For the first time in months she felt truly alone, like the burden of slaying was hers alone and that there was no one in her corner. Behind her the sound of stumbling feet got her to turn just as a form turned into an alley. Her heart raced as she reached the alley and grabbed the form.  
  
"Buffy!" He screamed.  
  
"Derrick, what? Listen, you have your own personal slayer, why don't you go shadow her badly? And just for your information I do have my own resident stalker so I don't need another. " She let him go with a small jerk.  
  
"I didn't mean to, well, I did mean to follow you, of course. But I was beginning to wonder if you were under some spell, I've been back there for at least a kilometer."  
  
"Is that British for a mile or something? Look, I was just a little-wait, your not my Watcher so if I decide to just not put a lot of effort forth then so what? I don't need or want you around to check up on me."  
  
"I stopped by your home and I was told you were out patrolling. I just thought I'd pass along some news. That's a lie actually; I've been trying to find a way of telling you this since I found out this morning."  
  
She frowned. "Don't tell me, Spike and Faith have the orb already and they decided that taking over the world was more fun then just handing over the orb. And I guess that also means that you need me to save the world from them both or else something bad will happen."  
  
He shook his head slowly, "No, I came to tell you that.the plane Faith and Spike were on went down and there are no survivors."  
  
"What?---I don't, what?" A sudden rush of pain hit her squarely in the chest like a deep punch or a stabbing wound.  
  
If he said anything for the next few moments she was beyond hearing or understanding it. There were no tears, only the dull ache of the whole world turning up side down and not really getting it.  
  
She raised her hand instinctively to almost block a shot but the hit had already been delivered.  
  
He reached out to her hoping to steady her or to at least get her to start breathing again. She slapped away his hand as a small cry came out and she doubled over. She sat in the alley, her eyes staring out in a daze and her hands in small fists.  
  
"I'm so sorry, I know this is a shock, I can't imagine how you feel about it. Your both so strong, battling every force that's in your way for so long and now it's all over. This journey you've both been on, sometimes together or apart but still the connection must be strong. And whether you're willing to admit it or not I think you care about each other more than you'll admit."  
  
She looked up at him, "Your wrong, I don't care about..Faith."  
  
He nodded and sat next to her. "I know, I wasn't talking about her."  
  
She didn't speak or even look at him.  
  
"I'm not blind, I can see pretty well what's been going on. I haven't spoken to him in any depth but Faith talked about him non-stop so I feel like I did know him thru her. She didn't say it but she'd been developing real feelings for him and she knew, I'm sure that you were the only flame in his heart."  
  
She shook her head. "I don't know what you're talking about. Spike's just fixated on me that's it."  
  
"You've been sleeping with a vampire and though may be embarrassing to you as a woman it is understandable. From what Giles told me Spike's behavior while you were dead was noble for a vampire. I think that alone was very unique and so promising."  
  
She stood up her anger swelling, "Promising? He's a vampire. It's not like we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we just had sex on a regular basis. It wasn't even love or like, and no matter how good it was, it's over. I've got a little experience with the souled and the unsouled-he isn't special or unique."  
  
He stood, "I sometimes wonder who the demon here really is, the one who loves or the one who rejects it."  
  
Her irritation flared and she turned her back on him, "I don't care what you think. You don't know Spike or what he's capable of, in some ways he's more dangerous now then before the chip. At least before the chip I could-"  
  
"Dismiss him? I think you're very good at dismissing people. Just look at your friends and your sister-"  
  
She stomped off a few steps and then turned around, "You don't, and I care about my friends, alright? So I'm not the same happy go lucky Buffy, so what? But I'm there aren't I?"  
  
"Have you really been there for anyone since your death and return? Giles said-"  
  
"I don't care what Giles said."  
  
"He left because he couldn't fix this misery you've all been suffering."  
  
She closed her eyes and two fat tears escaped from them. "I just try to get through each day that's the best I can do."  
  
"I hope realize what you've got before it's all gone."  
  
"What do I have? Debt, pain, a klepto sister, a magic addicted best friend, a commitment phobic other best friend and big bunch of responsibilities I never wanted and a vampire who thinks I'm so great that he loves me-to death."  
  
"I see, well, nothing special there, huh? Oh, but I guess you can cross the vampire off your list, he's dead and can now be referred to in the past tense."  
  
"You don't understand any of it. The things I've had to go thru-"  
  
"Buffy, I'd like to think that Faith and Spike's deaths aren't just about you. Believe it or not, I am mourning Faith and no matter her crimes I'm going to give her the dignity and respect she deserves. I told you about all this because you had a right to know and I'm sure Dawn will be shattered."  
  
"You've delivered your message, Derrick, go away."  
  
"And I guess if I was being completely honest I wanted to tell you to see if it would elicit some type of response from you. You're as cold as the grave, Buffy and I'm sorry for you."  
  
She couldn't see him anymore, the tears filling her eyes and she let him walk away from her.  
  
It was only when she was sure he was gone that she let herself sob and scream. The stink of the alley, her damp backside and sharp pain in her stomach none of it mattered. She let go crashing her fists into walls, trash cans and windows.  
  
She wanted to run to get as far away as possible but like life there were so many who needed her and she could feel they're weight holding her down. She wanted to head for Spike's crypt, every fiber in her being told her to go and she'd find Spike there and he would be ready to welcome her taunting and tormenting her with his body and smile. And she'd fall into his arms ready to admit nothing and just take and take. All she wanted was to grab him, crash her lips to his and prove that it was just impersonal sex. And she'd run away when it got too real, when he got too close when he looked at her with love and heartache.  
  
Rejecting him, hurting him, it was all she was good at and the only way they communicated.  
  
But as the reality of what happened took hold and she knew she was alone now. And some of the words Derrick said rang true.  
  
She owed Spike something, to honor who he was and what he meant. He'd saved lives, fought battles bravely and in the end given his life in a tragic accident on his way to do good. When the tears dried the anger took over and for the first time in a long time she directed it where it really belonged-at herself.  
  
Another slayer gone, another vampire in a pile of dust and she had endured. 


End file.
